I am a failure.

My chest is aching, my eyes hurt from crying and I have trouble breathing.

This carefully built shell is breaking, and because the inside is hollow, I’ll have nothing left.

The new life I’m working so hard on is crumbling down and I don’t have the strength to prevent it.

I can’t go through this a second time.

Loving someone unconditionally

It’s only today that I realized that loving someone unconditionally also means letting them go, instead of desperately clinging onto something that once was, poisoning yourself and the bond with them in the process. It’s a love that’s meant to be airy and embracing, not heavy and suffocating.
Today I also finally realized that you cannot burden someone with the task of filling the void you are feeling. Nor should you be the one who has to lose a part of yourself in order to make the other feel better. Love should complement, not complete.
Loving unconditionally is coming to the conclusion that you love, and you will continue to love, even when that love isn’t mutual. It’s when wishing for happiness for yourself and the other overcomes the hurt and spite.

I hope I’ll be able to love you unconditionally.

I’m working on it.


Rain on my cheeks

I was feeling better this morning. Sure, I still had that throbbing sense of sadness in my chest, but it seemed like the thunder cloud above my head coloured one shade less grey.
This afternoon I even went for an ice-cream with my mom. I couldn’t bear watching her torment herself about the possible causes of my depression anymore, so I confessed everything (okay, so it did involve some sugarcoating) while idly stirring the remainder of my melting sundae. She took it quite well, or at least, I felt she was relieved she could finally stick a label on the possible roots of my issues.
Despite the semi-panic attack at the parlour, I genuinely enjoyed being outdoors for a bit, and even opted to watch a movie with her this evening.

I’m guessing someone out there felt my cloud was being too bright for this time of year.

My mind became aware of the fact that I am not ranked high on anyone’s list.

A little past 1h30 a.m., while participating in the usual screen-staring, a sudden tsunami of intense sadness/hopelessness/loneliness washed over me. Reason: my mind became aware of the fact that I am not ranked high on anyone’s list of importance. Sure, I have a few friends and colleague-friends I occasionally interact with, but when push comes to shove, I am not one of their concerns; I am simply convenient at times. But the real smack in the face was the realization that the person whom I consider a confidant and good friend (even post-break up) – a “false support”, my therapist calls it – made me feel like I was/am entertaining as long as no one better’s around.

And so I started crying, no, weeping, uncontrollably for about an hour. For the past two weeks the urge to cry had been blocked by the anti-depressants, but this time the feeling was so overwhelming that I couldn’t stop sobbing, even after I ran out of tears, curling up in a ball until my pillow was damp and my abdominal muscles were aching.

It’s about 4 a.m. right now. I’ve calmed down, but my overthinking brain is still taunting me. I keep thinking that for once I just want someone I deeply care for to say that they miss me, or that they care about me. I just need a hug and a reassurance that everything’s going to be fine. That I’m worth it and that I -am- important to them. For once, let that person make me feel special; I don’t care if it’s just make-belief.
Because right now, I just feel like pulling the covers over my head and never attempt getting up again.

And the overthinking continues

Last week has been a waste of time, literally. I did nothing but sleep, or drowsily stare at whatever random tv show that was playing. I couldn’t eat, read, listen to music, draw, play games, whatever; I literally just camped in my bed. I blocked all my friends on Facebook, shut off Steam, and didn’t reply to any message on my phone. On Thursday and Saturday I grudgingly met two friends (one, I shamefully admit, partly because I was hoping to see M. – I know, I fail), which caused a backlash that lasted twice as long as usual, leaving me “near comatose” hiding under a blanket for the next two days.

Today I’m feeling slightly more “energetic” – meaning I was able to stay out of bed for more than 5 minutes (hurray!) – but I’m not sure if I should call it an improvement.
Sure, I managed to take a bath -and- clean up the pile of laundry I’d been collecting for over three weeks now, plus I’m getting more of an appetite (not that I would mind losing a few more pounds – that’s been the only positive thing about this whole train wreck). But at the same time I’m getting more restless, and my mind is back in overdrive, like 100 tv channels playing at once. A splitting headache is slowly creeping up on me, as well as the all-consuming dreadful sad and hopeless feeling crushing down my chest. It’s day 10 of my anti-depressants, so I’m not sure if this is a normal phase I’m going through, but I’m not ready to give up that comforting numbness yet.

My place is an absolute mess. It’s like a tornado passed by and dumped all debris of your local junkyard inside. I think I have about 20 half-empty soda cans on both sides of my bed, graciously accompanied by stacks of plates where new life forms might start developing soon. My plants haven’t seen a drop of water in over 3 weeks, and the layers of dust covering one another make the shelves of my dark wooden closet resemble a winter landscape. It’s frustrating how I notice it all, yet I cannot force myself to simply get up and take care of simple household chores.

A few days ago I wrote (= forced myself to write) an email to the administrative department of my main job, asking them to switch my contract to my former part-time one (I loathe having to make phone calls, therefore I email as much as I can :P). So far I haven’t had a reply yet, but I really hope they’ll accept my request. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to handle going back to work in less than two weeks. We’ll see.
As for my second job (the cookie decorating/food truck biz) I had to deny any new orders until April; I simply cannot find any strength nor motivation nor inspiration to do any baking, let alone any creative stuff. I still need to make a statement on our website about it. Ugh.

Two days ago I dreamed about my grandma; it had been quite awhile, but I guess raking up the ol’ grandma story (to be told later) at the psychologist’s and then overthinking the entire conversation may have had something to do with it. As usual, she was aggressive, and as usual, I woke up feeling like a whirlwind of anger, frustration, hurt, sadness, confusion, and my jaw hurt from gnashing my teeth. I just can’t seem to dream about her the way I knew her before all those things happened.

And then, of course, now that I’m feeling less numb and detached from any emotions, I started thinking about M. again. I’m conflicted between what my rational mind is trying to convince me and what my heart is still clinging onto. But hey, at least a week past by without me trying to talk to him (minus Thursday, where I sent him a text asking if he was maybe also interesting in coming for a drink. Yeah, yeah, I know….) plus my rational side is slowly waking up from its slumber, so I guess that’s a start? Maybe?

Make-believe: a pretending that what is not real is real

I cannot handle seeing my mom like this. I know she cried, her eyes look redder than they should. And I cannot handle that she feels sad because of me. I don’t want her to feel sad.
I should be the one making her smile, not be the cause of her sadness.

I have decided that when I’m at home, I’m going to try and pretend that everything is alright. Okay, I still need to find a way to get out of bed, but I promised my mom I’d go to the cinema with her today. And maybe if I -really- push myself, I can take her shopping on Monday. I really really really really really really really really don’t want to go, but if I go out with her and can reassure her I’m doing okay, maybe she won’t be that sad anymore. If I can convince her that I’m alright, everything will turn back to normal and I won’t feel that everyone around me is walking on eggshells. I don’t want that, I just want everyone to be happy. Don’t worry about me, I’ll get through this. I’ve decided to take the anti-depressants after all, so in three weeks my emotions will be regulated better and everything will be same old, same old.

Yesterday, she asked if maybe going on vacation would lift my spirits. I am tempted to book a hotel somewhere and just lie in bed there instead of here, so she doesn’t see me struggle and thinks I’m having fun. I did that in Japan once. I literally was in Japan for two weeks and didn’t do anything besides staying in bed.

I talked about my relationship/friendship with M. to my therapist. She asked me what -I- desired in a relationship. I couldn’t answer. She asked me what I at least wanted to -feel- in a relationship. And again I couldn’t answer.
I’ve been thinking about her questions since then. Our next appointment is this Friday already, but I’m unsure whether I’ll be able to answer her then. I simply don’t know.

She also said that M. must have triggered something I had buried so well for so long. I don’t know what it is, and I’ve been trying to figure out why exactly I’m so keen on clinging to him so tightly. It’s unfair to him as well, because I know he cannot cope with it. He’s the one person I had allowed in after so long, and the one person who made me feel happy for awhile, the one person I want nothing more than to cuddle with and just forget about everything else, the one person whom has figured me out so much it scares me, but he’s also the one person whom I cannot ask to save me, as I know I cannot request that from him. It would be unfair to him having to carry that burden, knowing he doesn’t care enough but is too gentleman to flat out tell me; he cannot and will not.

And so I am left feeling useless. I have no one left to care for, and the ones I let in don’t find me special enough. No, that’s unfair to say. But still I wonder, what is so wrong with me that no one whom I wish to open up to finds me worthy enough to fight for?

UGH, I hate that I’m putting myself in some sort of victim role, because really, there is NOTHING in my life that gives me the right to feel like a victim. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way. Like, GET A FUCKING LIFE, NIE. YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL SAD.

I’m trying. I really am. And M., I’m sorry for currently using you as my life line; I know it’s fucking hard on you as well. But M., until I can let you go, please don’t give up on me yet. I still need your conversations. I still need your hugs too, but I know I cannot ask that of you.
Just.. don’t give up just yet. Please.

For now I’ll do my best to smile, and maybe after awhile it won’t be simple make-believe.

Countdown to psychologist

I’m attempting to write down a list of things I need to tell the psychologist. So far I’ve been numbly staring at my screen. This is going swimmingly.

I haven’t contacted M. in 2 days now! I’m so proud of myself. The evil part of me is now hoping he’s checked his messages a few times by now and is slowly starting to wonder why I haven’t annoyed him yet with “hey, how are you feeling?” or “everything still okay?”, or even a simple “hey”. I really hope it’s not just evil wishful thinking. My evil side wants him to experience the same thing for once. And if I really wanna go overboard with the wishful thinking, I want him to send -me- a message first, or even -*gasp* dare I say it- him starting to question whether he doesn’t want me in his life after all. Not in a romantic way per se, but still, with strong enough emotion that he’d think of me from time to time. Hey, I told you I was going overboard. But still… What if, eey.

Also, I’m being forced to go shopping (SHOPPING of all things) with colleagues tomorrow. I don’t like shopping. I don’t like socializing. I don’t want to wake up so early. I don’t want to go through all that effort just to please them. I don’t wanna do the whole fake bubbly thing; isn’t it enough I have to pretend at work? I’m not going to enjoy myself. I just want to stay in bed, with the happy pills, and think about nothing. Feel nothing. Just… peace, tranquility, a happy place.
Because they are bound to ask how I’m feeling. And then I have to lie. Or I have to tell the truth and endure an entire day of good-natured (but totally uncalled for) “advice”, or weak attempts at “cheering up”. Well guess what: I appreciate your attempts and concern, but really, I don’t feel like advice or cheering up right now.

K. also wanted to meet up tonight. But honestly, I didn’t know if I was feeling strong enough to be supportive for her tonight. Because I know she wants to meet up to discuss her problems. My guess is she’s struggling again. My guess is she hasn’t deleted that number yet. And undoubtedly the topic of M. will come up. And I don’t feel like talking about it with her right now. Because I don’t know if I can already pretend I’m neutral about him. I need more time. So maybe we’ll meet up next week. And if I’m being completely honest, the other reason I want to postpone our meet-up is because I hope I (or K.) can succeed in inviting him over to get a drink as well. I think I can handle seeing him without any romantic feelings involved; I just desperately just want to see him again, if only for five minutes. Just.. seeing him. Saying hello. That’s enough. I don’t expect anything from him. I just.. still want him in my life. Be there for him. Or better yet, I need him as my life support right now. I’m not going to tell him because I don’t think he’d be able to handle it (or completely misinterpret what I mean) but simply talking to him can light up my mood so much. And before all that drama started I could tell him anything (well, apart from stuff revolving him :p). I really hope we can go back to that point. Of course, part of me still longs to hold hands as well, but I’m trying to convince my mind that that’s not going to work. Baby steps to being friends, Nie.

I keep on saying “I don’t want to give you up yet”, but come to think of it, am I not hoping for it to be the other way around?

Don’t give up on me yet.