Last week has been a waste of time, literally. I did nothing but sleep, or drowsily stare at whatever random tv show that was playing. I couldn’t eat, read, listen to music, draw, play games, whatever; I literally just camped in my bed. I blocked all my friends on Facebook, shut off Steam, and didn’t reply to any message on my phone. On Thursday and Saturday I grudgingly met two friends (one, I shamefully admit, partly because I was hoping to see M. – I know, I fail), which caused a backlash that lasted twice as long as usual, leaving me “near comatose” hiding under a blanket for the next two days.
Today I’m feeling slightly more “energetic” – meaning I was able to stay out of bed for more than 5 minutes (hurray!) – but I’m not sure if I should call it an improvement.
Sure, I managed to take a bath -and- clean up the pile of laundry I’d been collecting for over three weeks now, plus I’m getting more of an appetite (not that I would mind losing a few more pounds – that’s been the only positive thing about this whole train wreck). But at the same time I’m getting more restless, and my mind is back in overdrive, like 100 tv channels playing at once. A splitting headache is slowly creeping up on me, as well as the all-consuming dreadful sad and hopeless feeling crushing down my chest. It’s day 10 of my anti-depressants, so I’m not sure if this is a normal phase I’m going through, but I’m not ready to give up that comforting numbness yet.
My place is an absolute mess. It’s like a tornado passed by and dumped all debris of your local junkyard inside. I think I have about 20 half-empty soda cans on both sides of my bed, graciously accompanied by stacks of plates where new life forms might start developing soon. My plants haven’t seen a drop of water in over 3 weeks, and the layers of dust covering one another make the shelves of my dark wooden closet resemble a winter landscape. It’s frustrating how I notice it all, yet I cannot force myself to simply get up and take care of simple household chores.
A few days ago I wrote (= forced myself to write) an email to the administrative department of my main job, asking them to switch my contract to my former part-time one (I loathe having to make phone calls, therefore I email as much as I can :P). So far I haven’t had a reply yet, but I really hope they’ll accept my request. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to handle going back to work in less than two weeks. We’ll see.
As for my second job (the cookie decorating/food truck biz) I had to deny any new orders until April; I simply cannot find any strength nor motivation nor inspiration to do any baking, let alone any creative stuff. I still need to make a statement on our website about it. Ugh.
Two days ago I dreamed about my grandma; it had been quite awhile, but I guess raking up the ol’ grandma story (to be told later) at the psychologist’s and then overthinking the entire conversation may have had something to do with it. As usual, she was aggressive, and as usual, I woke up feeling like a whirlwind of anger, frustration, hurt, sadness, confusion, and my jaw hurt from gnashing my teeth. I just can’t seem to dream about her the way I knew her before all those things happened.
And then, of course, now that I’m feeling less numb and detached from any emotions, I started thinking about M. again. I’m conflicted between what my rational mind is trying to convince me and what my heart is still clinging onto. But hey, at least a week past by without me trying to talk to him (minus Thursday, where I sent him a text asking if he was maybe also interesting in coming for a drink. Yeah, yeah, I know….) plus my rational side is slowly waking up from its slumber, so I guess that’s a start? Maybe?