Here we go again

I’m afraid I’d take you back the second you asked me to.

I have difficulty letting you go today again. How are you doing with your life?

I’m torn between wanting you to write me, and not wanting it because I’m afraid of what you might have to say.

That your life is going great and that you may have found the love of your life.

I -want- -you- to be happy, but… my heart is still torn to pieces thinking about you with someone else. I’m sorry, I can’t yet.

Maybe it’s better if we don’t talk yet.

Why did you have to make such an impact on me?

I miss you.

 

Loving someone unconditionally

It’s only today that I realized that loving someone unconditionally also means letting them go, instead of desperately clinging onto something that once was, poisoning yourself and the bond with them in the process. It’s a love that’s meant to be airy and embracing, not heavy and suffocating.
Today I also finally realized that you cannot burden someone with the task of filling the void you are feeling. Nor should you be the one who has to lose a part of yourself in order to make the other feel better. Love should complement, not complete.
Loving unconditionally is coming to the conclusion that you love, and you will continue to love, even when that love isn’t mutual. It’s when wishing for happiness for yourself and the other overcomes the hurt and spite.

I hope I’ll be able to love you unconditionally.

I’m working on it.

 

Why

I thought the universe would finally allow me to be happy. What cruel tricks she played on me.
Why couldn’t she grant me this glimmer of happiness? Why couldn’t I have this one thing I wanted so much? What is so wrong with me that everyone eventually leaves? That no one finds me important enough to stay and fight?

Why couldn’t I have this one thing?

Why couldn’t I have him?

I would have treated him right. I would have loved, respected, cared for him. I would have been happy, and I would have been proud to have him by my side. I would have complemented him, and he me. I would have been happy.

Why couldn’t I have him?

Why am I not allowed to be happy?

 

I heard you today

I heard you today. Hurray for voice chatrooms, I guess. I shouldn’t have, but I did it anyway. I’m sorry, I lied about no more stalking. The forbidden fruit was too inviting.

 

It seems you are living your life just fine.

I wonder how many days it’ll take until you’ve completely forgotten about me.

I wonder whether I’ll ever get the reply you said you were going to give.

Every day my doubt grows.

But every day I still catch myself thinking about you.

I still calculate you in my life when I’m thinking about my new apartment. How to place my furniture. How to fix the problem with the steps in front of the stairs. Wondering whether your wheelchair will fit through the bathroom door.

And I don’t even know you’ll ever enter that apartment.

Let alone enter my life again.

I still believe you will. I don’t think you’ve completely erased me from your memory yet. But hearing you today, my doubt grows. You seem to be doing just fine. Since you never adapted your life for me anyway. So it’s easy.

And yet.

I keep hoping.

Because you said “It’s a lot”. But you never said “It’s too much”.

I keep hoping.

And I keep hoping.

And I keep hoping.

I must be out of my mind. Oh wait.

What is wrong with me?

The question just popped up all of the sudden, and I can’t stop crying. Even with the pills.

What is wrong with me?

I don’t understand.

What am I doing wrong?
Am I that ugly?
Am I that hard to live with?
Am I overly clingy? I know I am sometimes, and I try so hard to fight it, but I’m so sorry if I fail.
Am I that fat? I know I should lose weight, but it’s so hard. I’m already eating less, so maybe I’ll finally succeed this time.
Am I too boring?
Am I too quiet?
Am I too shy?
Am I not adventurous enough?
Am I too much to handle?
Are my insecurities too much to handle?
Am I asking too much?

I try to love and love, but always, after awhile, people just hurt or leave me.

I don’t blame M. anything, I really don’t. Those questions have been there for quite some time. I still don’t know what he saw in me for him to send a message. He’s so handsome, and funny, and smart, and charming. But we connected so well, and I so wanted to be everything he wanted and desired. And I still want to change everything for his sake if that’s what he wants. I -know- I cannot ask anything more of him, and he has given me so much already, but for once, I just wanted to be the object of someone’s affection. I didn’t expect him to say things like “I love you”, and I can do without all the things physical, but I just wanted to mean more to him than all the rest. I wanted to be someone special for him. Not specifically in a romantic way per se, but just.. special.

What do I lack that no one seems to find me special enough?

Thoughts at work

Do I care for you enough to set aside my feelings and let you have your way with other women?

Better yet: am I strong enough?

Can I keep on doing this without knowing how similar you do things with the others?

Can I overcome this hurt and sadness, knowing I wasn’t good enough, and knowing that maybe someone else will be?

Am I strong enough to pretend I’m OK with knowing you will do all those physical things with others? Knowing that maybe they can meet you more than I could? Knowing I must have meant nothing more to you than the rest?

I just want to keep on seeing you and talking to you without feeling anything. Just.. numbness. Because I cannot give up on you but I don’t know how long I can keep on going over my limit and pretending nothing is the matter.

Why did you have to be everything I wanted yet cannot have?