Here we go again

I’m afraid I’d take you back the second you asked me to.

I have difficulty letting you go today again. How are you doing with your life?

I’m torn between wanting you to write me, and not wanting it because I’m afraid of what you might have to say.

That your life is going great and that you may have found the love of your life.

I -want- -you- to be happy, but… my heart is still torn to pieces thinking about you with someone else. I’m sorry, I can’t yet.

Maybe it’s better if we don’t talk yet.

Why did you have to make such an impact on me?

I miss you.

 

It’s my birthday and all I can think about is you

Happy birthday to me.

Even after knowing and reminiscing all that has been said, the stabbing pain in your heart hasn’t diminished whenever you see him fooling around with other women who apparently make everything more “comfortable” by loving him less or not at all (but hey, at least you’re going out, which you refused with me, so thumbs up!1!). Or like the explanation for it went: “There are different degrees in love.” Right. I call it being afraid of love and running away from responsibilities and people who genuinly (and not conveniently) care. Like living inside your own game where you can create a new character each time you feel like it, or switch to a new server, and get the thrill of a new adventure all over again, instead of having to maintain what you had built up. Or let me put it in ARK-nerdspeak: being around grinders and stone-fetchers and working on your base rapidly gets too boring so without consulting first you go about as you please and restart on a new server yet again because then you don’t have to fix the mess you made on the previous one.
Maybe that ARK miniature I gave you (perhaps you don’t even remember you have it, or maybe you already threw it out) was a then-unknown symbol for our doomed relationship. It arrived too late, was too small, you didn’t seem happy to have it and it’s a bird about to fly off. *laughs*
I do wonder if you ever respawned and after awhile realized you regretted erasing the previous game. But to each their own. Moon, stars, you know my quote.
Besides, more love to give to the next one who’s gonna break my heart, right?

Captain Mirks, or simply “Shim” when your flame diminished, you were my safe haven, with your apartment as my favourite ship, but its fickle storms have damaged me too much. Maybe one day I’ll happily return as an ally, but for now the waves are still too high. Until we meet again at the shoreline.

I was doing alright.

I was doing alright.

And then suddenly I wasn’t anymore.

You are out, enjoying yourself. I’m crying, cannot bear any company.

Wow, you sure cared about me, I can tell.

I’m tired of it all. Too tired. I don’t want to fight anymore, I don’t want to defend you anymore. I don’t want to go to Ikea and think about the time you promised we’d go together one day anymore.

I cannot fight anymore, I’m too tired.

Teach me how you erased me from your thoughts so fast.

Please leave my heart. You never wanted to inhabit it anyway.

 

I heard you today

I heard you today. Hurray for voice chatrooms, I guess. I shouldn’t have, but I did it anyway. I’m sorry, I lied about no more stalking. The forbidden fruit was too inviting.

 

It seems you are living your life just fine.

I wonder how many days it’ll take until you’ve completely forgotten about me.

I wonder whether I’ll ever get the reply you said you were going to give.

Every day my doubt grows.

But every day I still catch myself thinking about you.

I still calculate you in my life when I’m thinking about my new apartment. How to place my furniture. How to fix the problem with the steps in front of the stairs. Wondering whether your wheelchair will fit through the bathroom door.

And I don’t even know you’ll ever enter that apartment.

Let alone enter my life again.

I still believe you will. I don’t think you’ve completely erased me from your memory yet. But hearing you today, my doubt grows. You seem to be doing just fine. Since you never adapted your life for me anyway. So it’s easy.

And yet.

I keep hoping.

Because you said “It’s a lot”. But you never said “It’s too much”.

I keep hoping.

And I keep hoping.

And I keep hoping.

I must be out of my mind. Oh wait.

Thoughts at work

Do I care for you enough to set aside my feelings and let you have your way with other women?

Better yet: am I strong enough?

Can I keep on doing this without knowing how similar you do things with the others?

Can I overcome this hurt and sadness, knowing I wasn’t good enough, and knowing that maybe someone else will be?

Am I strong enough to pretend I’m OK with knowing you will do all those physical things with others? Knowing that maybe they can meet you more than I could? Knowing I must have meant nothing more to you than the rest?

I just want to keep on seeing you and talking to you without feeling anything. Just.. numbness. Because I cannot give up on you but I don’t know how long I can keep on going over my limit and pretending nothing is the matter.

Why did you have to be everything I wanted yet cannot have?

It’s over, and it’s not

Seems I picked the right time to start with Xanax yesterday.

It’s over.

Well, not entirely, but the physical part is. And most definitely what I once mistakingly called a “relationship”.

I’m so torn between knowing that I’m going to get hurt so much in the future every time you’ll meet women, and still being mentally close to you. But right now I cannot give up, I care for you too much. So we agreed to just continue like we were, before all the drama started to happen.

I’m so saddened by the fact that you didn’t feel 100% comfortable around me. In retrospect I should have done so many things differently. But that’s still not a guarantee that everything would have worked out better. I keep thinking what it could have been that made you refrain.
Was it that I didn’t smoke and wasn’t too keen on the whole drugs environment? At New Year’s Eve, I got a small panic attack at the dinner table when the realization hit me that I’d never fit in; our worlds are so different. And yet we’re so similar on so many levels, so it just fucked up my head completely.
Was it that I was too physically shy and reserved? I keep on thinking this was a major issue for you. And I resent myself now for being that way. I wish I would have been more direct, dominant, “throw caution to the wind”. I didn’t know what you liked, what you didn’t. You never really gave much clues about it. And I tried experimenting, but sometimes, when things get physical, I just.. block. It has to do with stuff in the past. I thought you’d understand. But I also understand why it could have been a major issue for you.
Was it that I was too quiet sometimes? I’m sorry, but that’s just who I am. Maybe I should have been more outgoing.
Was it because you thought you’d have to be physical with me? Because you didn’t have to. I’m serious. I’m not gonna lie and say I didn’t like it, but on occasions you did exaggerate. And maybe I should have pushed you away from time to time, to let you know that this wasn’t necessary. But I was afraid it would have given the wrong signal.

My mind keeps on racing, keeps getting stuck on how I was too much to handle. I already took some pills again, and still it just won’t shut up.

Part of me is still hoping that, now that we started again with a cleanish slate, I might get a second chance. My rational side is trying to push those thoughts and hopes away, but I still can’t help having them.
Maybe in time I can convince myself that these feelings are just me caring for you as a friend.

But I’m already missing your touch, your smile, your kisses, your hugs.

I asked you yesterday if everything had been just an act. And you replied that everything you had said in those moments was real, and that you do care for me, and you did like hugging me.
But that you couldn’t say “I love you” in the way I would have liked.

You said you were good at running away.

Well, guess what, I’m not letting you yet. I don’t have any expectations, and I realize I’ll still get hurt in the process, but I’m not letting you yet.

So please don’t give up on me yet, either. No labels, no.. anything. Just, me as a person.

Please.