I’m slowly destroying myself and I don’t seem to mind.
I feel liberated and constricted. Free and ashamed.
Two opposite sides of me are fighting a civil war, and I’m not sure which side I’m rooting for.
Should I stay the good girl and hide my other side like I always have, or let loose the fury and disappoint everyone who has known me?
I binged today. On basically everything.
I binged on food.
On spending money online.
And now I’m sitting here, dozing off drunkingly, waiting for the wounds to heal. Both the mental and the physical.
I closed my eyes while driving on the highway today.
I am a failure.
My chest is aching, my eyes hurt from crying and I have trouble breathing.
This carefully built shell is breaking, and because the inside is hollow, I’ll have nothing left.
The new life I’m working so hard on is crumbling down and I don’t have the strength to prevent it.
I can’t go through this a second time.
I currently don’t see the point of living anymore. I don’t want to sound gloomy, but I really don’t feel like my life has a purpose or that it’s leading me somewhere. I just exist, no more no less.
I will keep on living to spare my parents the grief of losing their child, but if it wasn’t for them, I don’t think I’d find an other reason to keep walking this planet. I have nothing special, peculiar to give this world.
Like I said, I will keep on living for the sake of my parents, but that’s about it. There is no joy, no goal. I lost everything. I am an empty shell. I am alive yet lifeless.
I’m not going to kill myself, but I -am- going to numb myself.
With food. I gained 5kg already. -_-
With meds. I’m taking more than I should chew.
With alcohol. This will be easier once I moved into my apartment.
With sleeping. As long as I sleep, real life can’t hurt me.
Anything to diminish this feeling.
Mood: so so so incredibly sad; angry at myself for falling for the same empty words and promises again and again and expecting a different result each time; lonely; useless
Physical: drained, splitting headache, not able to sleep properly, crying (crying as I’m writing this), difficulty breathing (when crying), this morning: swollen eyes
Causes: the usual fuckery; grandfather’s current situation reminds me of grandma
Am I awful for being angry at my parents’ happiness? It’s the one thing I’ve always wanted to see happen, and now that it’s happened, I’m angry and jealous because I am feeling so lonely and unloved myself. My thinking is so screwed up right now. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be alright. Correction: no, not just -someone-.
Also: screw you for always doing whatever the fuck you want. And for continuously messing with my mind and emotions with your empty words and promises that give me false hope. Why can’t you just mean them and stop playing with my heart? This is beyond fucked up, dude. Don’t treat me like your callgirl or play doll that you can pick up and toss aside whenever you feel like it. And yet I keep clinging onto every word you say. Those “bottom of the ladder” thoughts are back in full glory. Congratulations.