Thoughts at work

Do I care for you enough to set aside my feelings and let you have your way with other women?

Better yet: am I strong enough?

Can I keep on doing this without knowing how similar you do things with the others?

Can I overcome this hurt and sadness, knowing I wasn’t good enough, and knowing that maybe someone else will be?

Am I strong enough to pretend I’m OK with knowing you will do all those physical things with others? Knowing that maybe they can meet you more than I could? Knowing I must have meant nothing more to you than the rest?

I just want to keep on seeing you and talking to you without feeling anything. Just.. numbness. Because I cannot give up on you but I don’t know how long I can keep on going over my limit and pretending nothing is the matter.

Why did you have to be everything I wanted yet cannot have?

It’s over, and it’s not

Seems I picked the right time to start with Xanax yesterday.

It’s over.

Well, not entirely, but the physical part is. And most definitely what I once mistakingly called a “relationship”.

I’m so torn between knowing that I’m going to get hurt so much in the future every time you’ll meet women, and still being mentally close to you. But right now I cannot give up, I care for you too much. So we agreed to just continue like we were, before all the drama started to happen.

I’m so saddened by the fact that you didn’t feel 100% comfortable around me. In retrospect I should have done so many things differently. But that’s still not a guarantee that everything would have worked out better. I keep thinking what it could have been that made you refrain.
Was it that I didn’t smoke and wasn’t too keen on the whole drugs environment? At New Year’s Eve, I got a small panic attack at the dinner table when the realization hit me that I’d never fit in; our worlds are so different. And yet we’re so similar on so many levels, so it just fucked up my head completely.
Was it that I was too physically shy and reserved? I keep on thinking this was a major issue for you. And I resent myself now for being that way. I wish I would have been more direct, dominant, “throw caution to the wind”. I didn’t know what you liked, what you didn’t. You never really gave much clues about it. And I tried experimenting, but sometimes, when things get physical, I just.. block. It has to do with stuff in the past. I thought you’d understand. But I also understand why it could have been a major issue for you.
Was it that I was too quiet sometimes? I’m sorry, but that’s just who I am. Maybe I should have been more outgoing.
Was it because you thought you’d have to be physical with me? Because you didn’t have to. I’m serious. I’m not gonna lie and say I didn’t like it, but on occasions you did exaggerate. And maybe I should have pushed you away from time to time, to let you know that this wasn’t necessary. But I was afraid it would have given the wrong signal.

My mind keeps on racing, keeps getting stuck on how I was too much to handle. I already took some pills again, and still it just won’t shut up.

Part of me is still hoping that, now that we started again with a cleanish slate, I might get a second chance. My rational side is trying to push those thoughts and hopes away, but I still can’t help having them.
Maybe in time I can convince myself that these feelings are just me caring for you as a friend.

But I’m already missing your touch, your smile, your kisses, your hugs.

I asked you yesterday if everything had been just an act. And you replied that everything you had said in those moments was real, and that you do care for me, and you did like hugging me.
But that you couldn’t say “I love you” in the way I would have liked.

You said you were good at running away.

Well, guess what, I’m not letting you yet. I don’t have any expectations, and I realize I’ll still get hurt in the process, but I’m not letting you yet.

So please don’t give up on me yet, either. No labels, no.. anything. Just, me as a person.

Please.

Confetti for Xanax!

Xanax are miracle pills! For the first time in weeks I’ve had hours of sleep, a random dream, didn’t wake up crying and -the best part- I didn’t think or feel anything in particular.
Since about 20min ago grayish thoughts have started seeping into my mind again, so I’ll probably take another one later tonight.
I’m still tired as fuck though. ^^;

Psychologists, tears, flings, confusion and anger

I sent an email to a psychologist. I think it’s the best solution after all.

I talked to K. yesterday. Don’t worry, she didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know already, so she did nothing wrong or betrayed your trust.
I heard you asking her if I was standing outside. And when you didn’t make an effort to come outside, I had made up my mind in the elevator that this was over. “Us”. Whatever “us” entitled. It was one blow too many.

I cried on the street. I cried at the café. I cried on my way over.

I tried fooling K. into thinking I had fun. She doesn’t know me well enough to realize it was all make-believe.

And then you texted. Just a small, silly, meaningless text. But it meant so much to me. You weren’t obliged to send me anything, so I assume you -were- thinking of me.
It’s funny how something so trivial can make me forget all my hatred from a few moments ago, and decide I’m not giving up on you just yet.

After that I was actually having some sort of fun. Although my expectations had suddenly leaped to the impossible and I kept waiting for your text asking me to stay the night so I didn’t have to drive all the way home. Baby steps, Nie, baby steps.

I was doing fine today. Courtesy of your small messages yesterday, even though I hate to admit that.

And then Facebook joyfully announced in my friends’ feed that “M. is now friends with Random Girl”. I hate Facebook. I instantly hated Random Girl. I instantly got all these scenarios inside my head. And I despised you.
There’s no other explanation than that you got to know her through OKCupid. Or something similar. Thank the Lord I don’t know what other dating sites you’re a member of.
You told me once that you loved meeting new people. You stayed vague when I said I didn’t mind that one bit, but that I couldn’t handle if things got sexual between you and those “people you love to meet”. Since you never did give me a straightforward answer to that, I kept becoming increasingly suspicious and paranoid. I was handling the whole situation the entirely wrong way by following your nearly every online move, and I know that, and I understand I was being too clingy and I suffocated you, but if you’d just straight-up answered that you just talk to them, I wouldn’t acted the way I did. I would have made peace with the entire situation.

Now every time I see you befriend a girl, I immediately assume you are inviting her over and are doing the exact same things to her as you do to me. That you are saying the same things you said to me.

K. didn’t deny anything when I told her about the dating sites. “Those flings don’t mean anything”.

She didn’t deny.

I so hoped to god she did.

You have been online on Facebook for quite some time now. Yes, I’m sorry, I promised not to do it anymore, but that fucking Facebook notification just screwed with my head so fucking much.
In my head I keep seeing you messaging her, having fun, having all these inside jokes like we have, while ignoring me, forgetting about me. Like that one time you said “I was talking to another girl, but I’ve already completely forgotten about her”.

The more rational side is telling me that you’re probably discussing yesterday’s roleplaying, or that you’re watching YouTube video’s or whatever. But my irrational fearing side keeps getting the upper hand. Because I cannot convince myself to believe that you’re -not- meeting all these women.

I deleted Steam from my smartphone, and I’ve disabled it on my laptop. But I keep hoping you’ll send me a message on Facebook, so I keep checking it. And I keep seeing you online. This is so fucking with my head.

This is getting out of hand.

So I’m seeing a psychologist soon.

Please don’t give up on me just yet, M.

Please.

I know I annoy the fuck out of you right now with my actions, and I completely understand, but if only you’d be able to reassure me.

If only.