I sent an email to a psychologist. I think it’s the best solution after all.
I talked to K. yesterday. Don’t worry, she didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know already, so she did nothing wrong or betrayed your trust.
I heard you asking her if I was standing outside. And when you didn’t make an effort to come outside, I had made up my mind in the elevator that this was over. “Us”. Whatever “us” entitled. It was one blow too many.
I cried on the street. I cried at the café. I cried on my way over.
I tried fooling K. into thinking I had fun. She doesn’t know me well enough to realize it was all make-believe.
And then you texted. Just a small, silly, meaningless text. But it meant so much to me. You weren’t obliged to send me anything, so I assume you -were- thinking of me.
It’s funny how something so trivial can make me forget all my hatred from a few moments ago, and decide I’m not giving up on you just yet.
After that I was actually having some sort of fun. Although my expectations had suddenly leaped to the impossible and I kept waiting for your text asking me to stay the night so I didn’t have to drive all the way home. Baby steps, Nie, baby steps.
I was doing fine today. Courtesy of your small messages yesterday, even though I hate to admit that.
And then Facebook joyfully announced in my friends’ feed that “M. is now friends with Random Girl”. I hate Facebook. I instantly hated Random Girl. I instantly got all these scenarios inside my head. And I despised you.
There’s no other explanation than that you got to know her through OKCupid. Or something similar. Thank the Lord I don’t know what other dating sites you’re a member of.
You told me once that you loved meeting new people. You stayed vague when I said I didn’t mind that one bit, but that I couldn’t handle if things got sexual between you and those “people you love to meet”. Since you never did give me a straightforward answer to that, I kept becoming increasingly suspicious and paranoid. I was handling the whole situation the entirely wrong way by following your nearly every online move, and I know that, and I understand I was being too clingy and I suffocated you, but if you’d just straight-up answered that you just talk to them, I wouldn’t acted the way I did. I would have made peace with the entire situation.
Now every time I see you befriend a girl, I immediately assume you are inviting her over and are doing the exact same things to her as you do to me. That you are saying the same things you said to me.
K. didn’t deny anything when I told her about the dating sites. “Those flings don’t mean anything”.
She didn’t deny.
I so hoped to god she did.
You have been online on Facebook for quite some time now. Yes, I’m sorry, I promised not to do it anymore, but that fucking Facebook notification just screwed with my head so fucking much.
In my head I keep seeing you messaging her, having fun, having all these inside jokes like we have, while ignoring me, forgetting about me. Like that one time you said “I was talking to another girl, but I’ve already completely forgotten about her”.
The more rational side is telling me that you’re probably discussing yesterday’s roleplaying, or that you’re watching YouTube video’s or whatever. But my irrational fearing side keeps getting the upper hand. Because I cannot convince myself to believe that you’re -not- meeting all these women.
I deleted Steam from my smartphone, and I’ve disabled it on my laptop. But I keep hoping you’ll send me a message on Facebook, so I keep checking it. And I keep seeing you online. This is so fucking with my head.
This is getting out of hand.
So I’m seeing a psychologist soon.
Please don’t give up on me just yet, M.
I know I annoy the fuck out of you right now with my actions, and I completely understand, but if only you’d be able to reassure me.