(you know things are getting bad when you start quoting Rihanna)
I’m jealous of everyone who gets to be around you.
One of the recurring questions people unknowingly hurt me with, is: “Are you going to see him soon?”
For every time I have to reply with a “I don’t know”, “We’re both busy so we’ll see”, “He lives quite far so it’s not that easy”. Or sometimes I simply lie.
I wish people would stop asking. Maybe then your words wouldn’t constantly haunt my thoughts.
“I like to have you around, but only for a short while.”
It even hurts writing them down.
I understand what you mean, well, I -think- I do, but you got to realize that it’s not something you want to hear from your boyfriend.
Friends don’t seem to comprehend why we’re not together more often. Especially not since we’ve only been together for what, 3 months? We should be using all of our free time to cuddle up in each other’s arms.
Someone suggested I should give you an ultimatum. I’m not gonna do that since I told you I kinda understand what you’re struggling with. Also, I’m afraid of what your answer would be if I did.
One time when I was feeling down, or when I was feeling bored, my mom suggested I should drive over to your place. I shrugged it off with a simple “Nah, that’s fine, I’ll just talk to him later.” while in fact I wanted to pour out “I can’t, mom, I can’t. He doesn’t want me there and I don’t know how to fix that!”. I think, no, I -know- that my mom knows how that’s weighing down on me.
I often wonder what I can do to make you want me to stay longer, or to come over sooner, or more.
I know you sometimes see this relationship (can I finally call it one? I was so confused on how to introduce myself on New Year’s Eve) as a chore. It hurts, that realization. And it makes me curl up in tears. But then on other days you can be so sweet and caring. My mind and my heart is all confused lately.
How can I be less of a bother? Am I too exhausting for you? You don’t have to focus all your energy on me when I’m there, you know. It’s pleasant, I’m not gonna lie about that, but there’s no need. Just being there close to you is enough for me, really. It’s also unnecessary for you to try and please me (in all possible meanings) all the time when I’m there. Again, I’m not complaining (:p) but I get as much enjoyment of just sitting beside you. I’m an only child, I can entertain myself quietly.
On Christmas Day, I deliberately didn’t stay over. When I got up and said I was leaving, I was secretly hoping you’d ask me to stay, but you sleepily just nodded, pulled me closer and then eventually let me go.
On New Year’s Eve I did stay over. I got introduced as ‘the girlfriend’, which made my heart flutter. You were talking about “next time”. I got my hopes up.
Now we’re 11 days further. Which actually isn’t much compared to the 35 days last time. :p
But I have 3 weeks off, and I made myself believe you’d ask me to come over.
What sucks even more, is that other people do come over. And you do go out.
At first, I reassured my doubts with the false presumption that you were more relaxed on your own, and that you had to get used to the fact that you weren’t alone anymore. I could live with that. We could slowly build up. I had patience. If you didn’t want to go out, that was fine by me. If you needed time on your own, I get that; I need my “me time” too.
Apparently friends come over on a nearly daily basis, you have your weekly RPG evenings, you go out to drink, you even said you “love to meet new people“.
Then where on the ladder does that bring me?
They also exhaust you, I realize that. Or at least, I’d like to think they have the same effect on you as I do. But they still get to see you. So maybe I should become as selfish and just barge in like everyone else? Claim my own “you time”.
But I can’t do that.
First of all, I don’t want to jeopardize your health by my selfish actions.
And secondly, I want -you- to yearn for -me-. I want -you- to lie there in the evening and realize you miss me, to the point where you throw caution to the wind, grab your keyboard, and send me a message, asking me to come over.
I want you to miss me as much as I miss you.
And it’s breaking my heart realizing you don’t.