I hope one day you’ll wake up from your slumber and realize you lost the moon while counting the stars

I thought he was my Hades. I never thought he would become my Judas.

He was my all. He was my best friend. He was my safe place, my reason to stay up at ridiculous hours.

I am not religious and yet I have prayed time and time again that he’d love me. That he’d find me important enough to try. That I was enough.

Now all is void.

I hope he realizes the extend to which I loved him.

I hope he realizes the extend of what he has lost.

Are the others that better?

I do not love myself.

I cannot love myself.

I am staying alive for my parents.

If they wouldn’t be here, I long would have committed suicide already.

I have no one left to care for. I love my parents but they technically don’t need me. But I do know their world would collapse if they knew my thoughts.

So I keep alive.

For them.

But actually, I’m already dead.

He is my self-destruction.

I always got upset when my therapist calmly reminded me, and fiercely defended him and his choices. He needed confirmation from other women that he was still attractive, and I understand that. He has commitment issues so I let myself get hurt over and over again but I’ll stand by him until he figures them out. It was a mistake, he didn’t want to hurt me. He doesn’t want to bind himself to other women but as long as I’m the favourite one, I can handle it.

I am very convincing at make-belief.

“Is it possible that he’s using you for his own self-worth?”

 

I hate myself enough to allow that.

I self-harm, I drink, I cry myself to sleep. I’d do drugs if he wanted me to.

Like Garbage sings it so well: I would die for you.

All for that glimmer of false hope that he’ll be able to do what I can’t.

Love me.

 

He has been cheating on me since February.

When I wasn’t invited to his birthday party because “it’s just a bunch of people I haven’t seen in awhile” and “I want you all to myself for my birthday” she was there. As his girlfriend.

Since February.

February.

He had a -girlfriend-.

While fucking me.

I just realized he must have done the same thing to me.

M, you treat women like shit. If I’m brutally honest, I hope no one ever genuinely loves you ever again. Screw karma, I’ve had my share of beatings from you.

When I went to that new age reading and let her do her “magic” on me, she said my life, much more than with others, revolves around and is branded by the push and pull between dark and light.

She was afraid of my choice.

When I asked about him, she was hesitant to reply and advised I should stay away.

Funny thing is, my therapist started talking about the same topic not long after.
I remember talking to her about the image in my head of me floating in an undefined space, seeing a white vacuum before me but getting pulled back by darkness.
I told her about the reading. She asked if I had already made my decision. I said I had.

I chose dark.

She was silent.