It’s only today that I realized that loving someone unconditionally also means letting them go, instead of desperately clinging onto something that once was, poisoning yourself and the bond with them in the process. It’s a love that’s meant to be airy and embracing, not heavy and suffocating.
Today I also finally realized that you cannot burden someone with the task of filling the void you are feeling. Nor should you be the one who has to lose a part of yourself in order to make the other feel better. Love should complement, not complete.
Loving unconditionally is coming to the conclusion that you love, and you will continue to love, even when that love isn’t mutual. It’s when wishing for happiness for yourself and the other overcomes the hurt and spite.
I hope I’ll be able to love you unconditionally.
I’m working on it.
Bij het inpakken van mijn kaders besefte ik dat ik nooit een tekening v u ga kunnen ophangen. That would have been my birthday wish. That one day you’d spontaneously start drawing something and decide: “this is for her.” I was jealous of the girl in your drawings.
M, tell me things will be alright. Tell me you were wrong. Tell me you still want me, and want to make our relationship work. Tell me you want me back, and tell me things will be back the way they were.
Even if they’re all lies, just tell me, M. Even if it’s all make-believe, tell me you haven’t given up on me.
I can’t do this otherwise. I can’t. I’m breaking.
I’m not going to kill myself, but I -am- going to numb myself.
With food. I gained 5kg already. -_-
With meds. I’m taking more than I should chew.
With alcohol. This will be easier once I moved into my apartment.
With sleeping. As long as I sleep, real life can’t hurt me.
Anything to diminish this feeling.
There. Double dose of meds mixed with 18% kirsch. Plus some spoonfuls of sugar to make the medicine go down in the most delightful way.
If that doesn’t knock me out for the night, I don’t know what will.
This is even worse than at the beginning. I don’t know what to do with all these tears. With all this sadness. Crawling into a ball under my desk doesn’t help anymore, the meds don’t help anymore. I don’t know how to cope. It hurts so much. It hurts so much. I want to keep my mind busy but I can’t do anything else but think about him. Please, I don’t want this anymore. Please, I’m trying so hard, but it hurts too much and I can’t handle it. I hurts so much.
I thought the universe would finally allow me to be happy. What cruel tricks she played on me.
Why couldn’t she grant me this glimmer of happiness? Why couldn’t I have this one thing I wanted so much? What is so wrong with me that everyone eventually leaves? That no one finds me important enough to stay and fight?
Why couldn’t I have this one thing?
Why couldn’t I have him?
I would have treated him right. I would have loved, respected, cared for him. I would have been happy, and I would have been proud to have him by my side. I would have complemented him, and he me. I would have been happy.
Why couldn’t I have him?
Why am I not allowed to be happy?