Second choice

I have made up my mind that I won’t be second choice ever again.

I liked him so so much. God forbid I still do. And I would have let him have his “side-chicks” if he’d come back to me in the end.

But then I realized I wasn’t his Home. The first choice I fooled myself into believing I was.

-I- was the side-chick, the one to keep a secret, to play with when bored.

Because the Other Woman was the girlfriend. A role he has claimed he didn’t want around. A role that wasn’t meant for me.

It broke me, this realization.

What to do when the one who pulls you into darkness is the only one who can pull you out?

Ever since he’d acknowledged that he needed the attention of other women in his life, I felt inadequate, but now… I wasn’t even allowed to stay in his life. Everything had to be kept a secret. To the outside world I didn’t exist anymore.

I cannot put into words how painful and humiliating this felt. Feels. To be left wondering what is so wrong with me that I’m not enough, that I’m second (or even third, fourth, ..?) choice.

I still have feelings for him. After all this. And my heart aches and breaks every time I think of him.

I don’t know what to do. I really am lost at sea, the waves on the verge of engulfing me.

What to do when the one who pulls you into darkness is the only one who can pull you out?

Church

Do you know where my mom went to today?

To church.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen her go to church unless it was for something obligatory, like a wedding or funeral.

And now she went to church.

My heart broke when she told me, knowing damn well that I am the cause and that she’s so desperate to make the situation better that she reaches out to -anything- that might help. That she -needs- this belief in order to cope.

I am so angry at myself for hurting her like this, and thus I vowed not to make her sad again. I’ll handle this on my own. I can’t bare to see her like this.

I’m an oxymoron

I’m slowly destroying myself and I don’t seem to mind.

I feel liberated and constricted. Free and ashamed.

 

Two opposite sides of me are fighting a civil war, and I’m not sure which side I’m rooting for.

Should I stay the good girl and hide my other side like I always have, or let loose the fury and disappoint everyone who has known me?

 

Parental guidance advised?

I got into an argument with my parents over the fact that I bought a crosstrainer.

Seriously?

Everyone was urging me to get more active, so I finally decided on doing some sports and now spending my money on something that will probably benefit me in the long run is -also- a wrong decision?

My therapist told me to focus on myself and what I like doing, so keeping that in mind I told them it was either the crostrainer or a piano (I’ve always wanted to learn to play the piano) and I chose the former because I realize that it’d do me good.

What do I get as a reply?

“What else are you gonna come up with?”

Seriously?

OK, fine, you know what: I’m gonna lie down and sleep and do -nothing- and just sulk like I always do. That doesn’t cost a -dime-. Yay, I’m so independent! Great support, really.

 

Today it’s a struggle to keep the thoughts in my head at bay. It’s like I’m doing a rap battle with myself.

On the plus side, I managed to comb my hair and clean out the aquarium.

Now I’m debating on whether to man up and go get groceries or stay at home and starve.