Mood: so so so incredibly sad; angry at myself for falling for the same empty words and promises again and again and expecting a different result each time; lonely; useless

Physical: drained, splitting headache, not able to sleep properly, crying (crying as I’m writing this), difficulty breathing (when crying), this morning: swollen eyes

Causes: the usual fuckery; grandfather’s current situation reminds me of grandma

Am I awful for being angry at my parents’ happiness? It’s the one thing I’ve always wanted to see happen, and now that it’s happened, I’m angry and jealous because I am feeling so lonely and unloved myself. My thinking is so screwed up right now. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be alright. Correction: no, not just -someone-.

Also: screw you for always doing whatever the fuck you want. And for continuously messing with my mind and emotions with your empty words and promises that give me false hope. Why can’t you just mean them and stop playing with my heart? This is beyond fucked up, dude. Don’t treat me like your callgirl or play doll that you can pick up and toss aside whenever you feel like it. And yet I keep clinging onto every word you say. Those “bottom of the ladder” thoughts are back in full glory. Congratulations.


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