The question just popped up all of the sudden, and I can’t stop crying. Even with the pills.
What is wrong with me?
I don’t understand.
What am I doing wrong?
Am I that ugly?
Am I that hard to live with?
Am I overly clingy? I know I am sometimes, and I try so hard to fight it, but I’m so sorry if I fail.
Am I that fat? I know I should lose weight, but it’s so hard. I’m already eating less, so maybe I’ll finally succeed this time.
Am I too boring?
Am I too quiet?
Am I too shy?
Am I not adventurous enough?
Am I too much to handle?
Are my insecurities too much to handle?
Am I asking too much?
I try to love and love, but always, after awhile, people just hurt or leave me.
I don’t blame M. anything, I really don’t. Those questions have been there for quite some time. I still don’t know what he saw in me for him to send a message. He’s so handsome, and funny, and smart, and charming. But we connected so well, and I so wanted to be everything he wanted and desired. And I still want to change everything for his sake if that’s what he wants. I -know- I cannot ask anything more of him, and he has given me so much already, but for once, I just wanted to be the object of someone’s affection. I didn’t expect him to say things like “I love you”, and I can do without all the things physical, but I just wanted to mean more to him than all the rest. I wanted to be someone special for him. Not specifically in a romantic way per se, but just.. special.
What do I lack that no one seems to find me special enough?