I’m attempting to write down a list of things I need to tell the psychologist. So far I’ve been numbly staring at my screen. This is going swimmingly.
I haven’t contacted M. in 2 days now! I’m so proud of myself. The evil part of me is now hoping he’s checked his messages a few times by now and is slowly starting to wonder why I haven’t annoyed him yet with “hey, how are you feeling?” or “everything still okay?”, or even a simple “hey”. I really hope it’s not just evil wishful thinking. My evil side wants him to experience the same thing for once. And if I really wanna go overboard with the wishful thinking, I want him to send -me- a message first, or even -*gasp* dare I say it- him starting to question whether he doesn’t want me in his life after all. Not in a romantic way per se, but still, with strong enough emotion that he’d think of me from time to time. Hey, I told you I was going overboard. But still… What if, eey.
Also, I’m being forced to go shopping (SHOPPING of all things) with colleagues tomorrow. I don’t like shopping. I don’t like socializing. I don’t want to wake up so early. I don’t want to go through all that effort just to please them. I don’t wanna do the whole fake bubbly thing; isn’t it enough I have to pretend at work? I’m not going to enjoy myself. I just want to stay in bed, with the happy pills, and think about nothing. Feel nothing. Just… peace, tranquility, a happy place.
Because they are bound to ask how I’m feeling. And then I have to lie. Or I have to tell the truth and endure an entire day of good-natured (but totally uncalled for) “advice”, or weak attempts at “cheering up”. Well guess what: I appreciate your attempts and concern, but really, I don’t feel like advice or cheering up right now.
K. also wanted to meet up tonight. But honestly, I didn’t know if I was feeling strong enough to be supportive for her tonight. Because I know she wants to meet up to discuss her problems. My guess is she’s struggling again. My guess is she hasn’t deleted that number yet. And undoubtedly the topic of M. will come up. And I don’t feel like talking about it with her right now. Because I don’t know if I can already pretend I’m neutral about him. I need more time. So maybe we’ll meet up next week. And if I’m being completely honest, the other reason I want to postpone our meet-up is because I hope I (or K.) can succeed in inviting him over to get a drink as well. I think I can handle seeing him without any romantic feelings involved; I just desperately just want to see him again, if only for five minutes. Just.. seeing him. Saying hello. That’s enough. I don’t expect anything from him. I just.. still want him in my life. Be there for him. Or better yet, I need him as my life support right now. I’m not going to tell him because I don’t think he’d be able to handle it (or completely misinterpret what I mean) but simply talking to him can light up my mood so much. And before all that drama started I could tell him anything (well, apart from stuff revolving him :p). I really hope we can go back to that point. Of course, part of me still longs to hold hands as well, but I’m trying to convince my mind that that’s not going to work. Baby steps to being friends, Nie.
I keep on saying “I don’t want to give you up yet”, but come to think of it, am I not hoping for it to be the other way around?
Don’t give up on me yet.