Ever since I know you still frequently visit OKCupid, I have these all-consuming, all-destroying thoughts that, when you’re listed as “Online” but not playing any games, you’re talking to/flirting with a bazillion sexy women and you’re regretting your decision to introduce me as your girlfriend on New Year’s Eve.
Sometimes, when my mind is going in overdrive, I imagine you inviting women over at your place all the time, and all your friends know, and they all know I’m just one among the many, and that you just introduced me as “the girlfriend” since it’s a thing you do with all of them.
I’m so sorry I’m having these thoughts and doubts, but last time I checked your profile on OKCupid (after being a good girl and forcing myself -not- to look up your profile for weeks) you hadn’t spoken to me in 5 days, and yet your profile said “last online: yesterday”. I was so… shocked, speechless, hurt by this.
I deleted my OKCupid account then. I still had it to keep our first conversations (I love re-reading them from time to time), and I admit, in my weak moments, I have also used it a few times to check whether you were online. One time you were. The others you were last online “a few hours ago” or “yesterday”. I don’t know you realize how much this hurts me. I don’t know to what extent you care.
I once shared my fears with you about this. You replied something vague about “wanting to meet new people”. I still cannot phantom what you meant by it, and why, even after I told you I feel so insecure about this, you still continue doing it. Maybe it’s innocent in your eyes, but can’t you see why this bothers me so much? You can meet whomever, whenever you want (it’d be pretty psycho to want it any other way) but on a dating site? Really? We met on OKCupid. In one of our first conversations you said “I was talking to someone, but now that I’ve met you I already forgot about her”. I feel so, so, so scared that that’s something you’ve been telling other women lately. “I thought I met someone, but actually I already forgot about her.”
You said part of you is still fighting our relationship (I am -still- unsure if I am allowed to call it that), and then I don’t hear from you for a week, yet you seem to be online on dating sites. And you still refuse to change your status to “In a relationship”. I know this sounds childish, but when you’re friending women from dating sites and you swear by your “Single” status, it’s pretty fucked up.
It hurts, M. It hurts so much. I really want to fight for this, but I feel so drained when all you do is making me feel more insecure.
I long for an “I miss you”. I long for a “please stay a few minutes longer”. I long for a simple “goodnight” without me sending it first. Right now I just long for a simple message, regardless what it is.
I am so sad, M. I’m so alone. I’m struggling.
I so desperately want to tell you this, but I’m so afraid of what your answer might be.